This is what I think I am.

Never certain of anything.

Like the sea, flowing continuous movement.

Dangerous, blind, refreshingly unique.

Does the sea miss the lakes? Does the sea know of the lakes' existence?

Nothing stays the same...

I wish that there was even one person I could truly count on. But then, that's not what people are.

In other news...
I'm not going to Italy.
I am going to college.
That's how it works out...the money that was for one, is now for the other. So I get to move out of home...yessssss...

At least...if I get in.

Won't know till January. So I'll keep you posted.

i am extremely intelligent and very wise. i think logically and rhetorically in order to get problems solved. if i'm not mad now, i'm getting very close.

target="new" title="we're all mad here">how mad are you?

this quiz was made by href="http://www.livejournal.com/users/piksy" title="cracked but sweet" target="new">piksy

Woohoo!!!

How can I be glad it's the weekend when the most fun stuff I have to look forward to is dinner with my family, a four hour work shift, and *lots* of homework.
Although I guess that's what I should expect, being in Year 12. Luckily it's almost over...at least, that's what I'm supposed to say...

Honesty is the scariest thing. Being honest with yourself leads to being honest with others, and then you're really stuffed. I don't know...does anything truly wonderful ever come from honesty? I'm trying to think of something.

Life sways in the balance - a feather resting on a pinhead in the middle of the wildest gale. *Crackle...static* "Tune in next time, folks, for the answers to those enormous questions..." Will our fictional heroine find true love? Who knows?

(And what is this true love stuff anyway?)

I think I'm falling in love...

Again....

but it's never been this crazy before.



And that's saying something.


PS 28/30 for the SAC. Not too bad :)

I am going out tonight. I found a lift, I have an outfit, it's all organised. Even if, truth be told, I don't feel all that enthusiastic about it. Same old people, same old kind of party. It doesn't help that I know the truth behind the reality - that as much as the 'friends' who will be at the party appear to be an attractive and kind and princess-perfect group - half of them hate each other.

It just kind of turns my stomach a little.

But it has been making me think - if you are party to a backstabbing; if you overhear it, or are told it, and you don't deny it or fight it - are you just as guilty? Should I feel bad for allowing some of my friends to harshly criticise other "friends", behind their backs? It doesn't help that I predominantly agree with the criticism either... and I have been meaning to talk to different people about different problems. It's just...sometimes it all gets to be a little much.

One of my friends threw an (online) bombshell at me today - something I knew in my subconscious but hadn't wanted to voice. I hate that he's right, and that now I have to acknowledge it, at least in my own head. I think I'll just ignore it. The question is, will that make me think about it more or less?

I had two lovely conversations last night, with friends I love and respect - despite the fact that they have caused me (both past and present) much emotional turmoil and angst. I don't know - I think relationships have to be like that. If you can't just accept the beautiful wonderful parts of people and love them for those, regardless of their mistakes and confusions, regrets and abuses of trust - why bother? So I love them anyway.

The funny thing is, it doesn't take the slightest bit of effort. It just is the way things are.
I guess it helps that I know they do the same for me. No matter how crazy I am, or how angry I get, they love me regardless. At least, I'd like to think so. I'd like to think I'm not the only one.

I had a history SAC this morning. 15% of our internal assessment and I have no idea what I wrote. Somewhere in there Renaissance Florence must have been mentioned, and hopefully I used the documents enough too. Although in retrospect (from my failing memory) I don't think I did. The essay was all over the place, structurally. That I do know. But because it's all relative assessment (i.e. me against the rest of the class, then the rest of the state - all 600 of them. That's it.) I feel somewhat better. Not much. But a bit.

I can't afford to screw up now. Less than 26 out of 30 and I'm seriously sunk.

But there's nothing I can do, except hope. At least I think my Lit SAC (I handed it in on Monday) was good. Some small saving grace.

"Test your friend a hundred times before you trust him, and do not trust him to such an extent that he can be the cause of your undoing." - Giovanni Morelli, a Florentine patrician of moderate wealth

See. They knew what they were doing...

I WAS A GIFTED CHILD
i had my niche.
intelligent. creative. or artistic.
what kind of child were you?
(brought you by april)




what britney spears video are you?

(brought you by april)

I wrote this semi-poem a week ago, and it's weird that nothing's changed - even while it makes perfect sense.

yea well i never pretended i wasn't
a hopeless case

i go over it again and again
does anybody realise
all you'll ever really know is
yourself.

everything else is outside you
surrounding and
engulfing
overwhelming

maybe tomorrow
or when we get to heaven
we'll all understand each other

or that could be hell.
i don't know.

On another note, according the thespark.com, I am 74% dateable and 41% gay. That's confusing. Oh well! Ohhhhhh and!!

"You are a smooth chick."
You have a knack for greatness. For the record,you are:

82% Un-telligent!
which is significantly higher than the current average of 60%

Here is the custom report of your personality that led our team of geeks to conclude (with confidence) that you are resourceful and sly woman:

"The subject shows a very high level of intelligence, and her sense of observation is one of her best qualities. Considering this, she shows a lot of potential, but that's only part of the equation.

"Also, as much as we hate violence, an occasional mauling is one way to solve day-to-day problems like unpleasant coworkers or pesky door-to-door salesmen; she just isn't tough enough, sir, and she avoids any solution that involves violence.

"Finally, the subject displayed a healthy (better than most net freaks anyway) sense of humor, a fair and productive sense of morality, and a barbaric self-confidence. The balance of these three traits is important; high levels of confidence, medium levels of morality, and a good level of humor make for the strongest individuals."

Final Score: 82% Un-telligent


The Spark rocks...

Okiedoke, I just keep wanting to update today so instead of having eight close together and looking ridiculously geeky I thought I'd just add to this one...

I smelt my friend's jumper a minute ago, and this memory came absolutely flooding back to me. Of my favourite class last year, of every person. All those special people and I'm almost crying. Tangible love - and it's not just actions. I can still feel it in the back of my throat, when I remember. So I think of them. I think of eating icypoles at our last class, joking and sitting on desks in the summer breeze, without the teacher (she was examining i think) so that when she came in we were laughter and conversation, hiding the card we'd been signing until later. I remember the first time we had the class, and I looked around, and I think I knew it was going to be brilliant. I remember one time, we drew cartoons on the board to illustrate Antigone...I almost wet my pants I was laughing so hard. We all were. I remember finally feeling safe. It was pretty incredible. It's funny, because this is all I have left from it. Every single person has different memories from it, different things left over. So my things that are left over, my beautiful scents and thoughts and freedom, are things that only I have. Even though we did it together.

But I think in that shared experience...we shared the moments together. That's enough.

And I've had similar ones before...groups of amazing people...it can be two, it can be twenty. If you're lucky you know what I mean. I know some of you do.

I guess...as long as you take true joy in it while it's there, while it's happening - use EVERY part you can, be as true as you can - then it kinda makes life worth living.

At least, that's my experience.

Shoutouts to everyone. Jarra - it'll be ok. Ten bucks, man... Sush - I haven't talked to you for ages! Mike - airports are exciting places :) as are train stations. Jaytpotato - hope you still read this stuff. it's all good. i want to see your people when they're finished! Umi - miss you; msn won't work for me, dammit! keep cheerful. Kirsty - glad you're here. Keep up the updates. and the comments. Don't be downcast. and make me a tape? if you want. it'd be cool. if you can think of anything to put :). Josie - *I* wanna be in Vanuatu!! Lucky..you're gonna be so tanned! Golden sun and sand and surfies...ok I'm gonna stop drooling now. Have a cocktail for me or something and I'll talk to you soon :D !!

If you were not mentioned, it doesn't mean I'm not thinking of you. (It just means you need to comment more!) Tell me what you think...I'm all ears. (Metaphorically speaking.;)) I always want to talk to new people :) or join my msn list. It'd so better be working soon!

You are a siren.

What legend are you?. Take the Legendary Being Quiz by Paradox

Well then...right...that explains a lot! LOL....way too true.



Take the quiz here!
yep. this one works too.

Ok. Totally different topic.

Resulting from Sush's comment on Whoa #1, I did a Google search on aspartame. Scary scary stuff. Try it.

Half the problems - in fact, most of the problems with my body - could pretty much be traced back to the fact I've been drinking Diet Coke since I was ten or so.

Fluid retention.
Rapid loss of eyesight.
Debilitating headaches.
Mood swings.
Tingling and painful joints.
Stuff I've experienced a lot.

According to one of my friends, aspartame was being researched in biological warfare departments until they discovered its sweetening properties...

So not impressed. Quitting...

Will be hard but I'm gonna. Thankyou Sushi! Thankyou thankyou...

It'll be interesting to see what happens to me physically too...

If God only throws at you as much as you can handle, how come I feel so totally overwhelmed?

I found out that the guy I like is going out with my friend. My taste in men has been completely trashed. My friends all hate each other and want me to support them in their backstabbing. I'm still behind on Politics. My brother has more of a social life than I do. And I'm addicted to legal drugs. (Diet Coke and chocolate count.)

I'm amazed in some ways that I'm still an optimist. But I guess no matter what's going on, there are always good things if you look for them. I'm glad my friends are together, regardless, because if I'm honest with myself, he's much better with her. I don't have good taste in guys cause I trust people too much and expect others to think the way I do (stupid, huh!?). My friends tell me their issues with each other because they need someone to talk to who won't backstab them...and I guess if I can support them in that way it's a good thing...kinda. I'll catch up Pol in the next few days. My brother needed to catch up on having a social life too - and I think he had fun...i'm just intrinsically selfish ;) . And the Diet Coke...well. Some things are just like that.

At the end of the day...everything will be ok. (Although this working day won't be over for another 12 hours.) I can handle it.
I'll just run my fingers through my (straight!) hair, and tune out of the noise around me...and FOCUS.
Maybe then things will get better? I don't seem to have much of any other kind of option. Maybe the only reason I can be optimistic about this is that the week will only go for five days, and then I'll get to go out again. Maybe I can be optimistic because new friendships are forming and things are always changing and I know that there are good things in store for me. I just have to hang in there long enough for them to happen.
And hey - there are only 5 weeks of term left!...